Here's something I seen on Facebook, typical of either the wife's family, my family or both. The wife is already bugging me to book tickets to England next year.
The wife's one niece has already called and asked if we can make everything "organic", the other wants to know today if we can change the time, which is tomorrow, at noon, period. I'm still waiting for my aunt to call and change my families christmas from Sunday to whenever just because one of her kids can't make it, etc.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 4
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time. However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pocketbook. This gathering is only for employees! The CEO will make a special announcement.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 5
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, although unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 6
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!
In addition, we will no longer be having the gift exchange because the union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and management believes $10.00 is a little cheap.
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. There will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts.
Happy Now?
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: The Holiday Party
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for “Santa” does happen to be “Satan.” There is no evil connotation to our own little “man in a red suit.”
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 9
RE: The ****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian jerks: I've had it with you people! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too, they scream when you slice them. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday and then drink, drive and die.
Pauline, the Bitch from HELL!
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FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: Pauline and the Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the management has decided to cancel our holiday party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
Have a SUCCESSFUL day!
John
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Topic: Our typical christmas or why we skip the country when ever possible (Read 2295 times)